music where you can hear all the words

Glennon Melton: "Don't Carpe Diem"

2012-01-20T13:59:00.007Z

I read this article today and it actually made me almost cry a bit.

I love how she differentiates between Kairos moments and Chronos moments. How she talks about the hardness of the day-to-day with young children. And about how magic breaks into the confines of daily drudgery, dwells in moments in one's life that transcend time, and remind us of something bigger, greater, heavenly. Heaven is among us.

Thank you Glennon. Your projection of what you would say to a younger mama, in the future, is priceless. I particularly enjoyed that. I'll quote it here:

"It's helluva hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime." And hopefully, every once in a while, I'll add -- "Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up -- I'll have them bring your groceries out."

This blog is not dead.

2012-01-04T18:28:00.002Z

Like the Mary Ellen Carter it will rise again.

This year I've got just a few little New Year's resolutions. I'm going to sort out my life. Get organised. Kick some Chaos butt.

Yeah!!!

Happy 2012!

Back home across the deep blue sea ...

2011-10-22T20:46:00.004+01:00

KO and I have returned from Toronto a bit the worse for wear: sniffly, run down, tired, bleary-eyed. That was four days ago.

Here is a photo of me and the boy at the reception. The dress was a last minute buy. My sis-in-law-to-be and I were shopping at BCBG and it caught my attention. I tried it on and thought, "I love this dress. I'm going to buy it and wear it to the wedding." In hindsight, I think the BCBG dressing room mirrors are doctored to somehow give a more flattering reflection. It's a nice enough dress, but not as gorgeous as I thought when I tried it on.

Home was in utter chaos when we arrived. There was a mouldy apple on the living room rug. And three weeks away had taken its toll on my bank balance which is heavily reliant on daily deposits from ebay sales (which were frozen while I was in Canada). So I did what any sensible person would do. I took all the remaining funds available to me (in my overdraft) and invested it in the stock exchange (Norilsk Nickel shares). There's a corporate buy back offer on the shares which I'm hoping to take up next week. I hope it works.

So my (rather large) overdraft is maxed out, my ebay business is slowly starting to move again, home is still in a state of disarray, and I'm still sick.

On the bright side, I went to the Leeds Community Clothing Exchange today with a few lovely friends and quite a large group of strangers whom my lovely friends invited. I picked up some incredibly funky new dresses for almost free (it's £2 entry) and got rid of some clothing I didn't want.

Other than that, as my friend Daniel might say, "Nothing else to report." Except for a video interview coming soon on the Cantos Music Foundation blog. It's going live in just over a week, yay! I think this is officially the first bit of media feedback/coverage on Prime, so far!!

Yes.

Prime.

Out 5th December 2011.

Always reflecting on what has passed ...

2011-08-22T01:24:00.004+01:00

I'm in my middle years. I feel like I've got a lot of years ahead of me still, but I feel like so many lifetimes have happened already too. It's kind of an amazing place to be. And the phrase "it's all downhill from here" suddenly comes to mind accompanied with the image of the view from the Otley Chevin.

And it seems to me incredibly apt that the Chevin was the location for my album photoshoot, and that my album is called "prime" though that word doesn't occur in the album anywhere else. Not even once in a single song, out of the 17 songs on the album. I didn't actually go through a conscious thought process to arrive at the decision of what to call my album. Like most significant/important decisions I make, it just came to me, in what seemed like a flash. One minute I was thinking of all sorts of random things, the next minute I knew my album was going to be called "prime". And heaven only knew why.

So here I am, as far in as I am out. I can see a long way in every direction. And it makes me feel sad and thoughtful and grateful, and full of so many thoughts and feelings and life.

I feel strong and so vulnerable too. Here at the summit of my life, which has turned out to be so different from how I imagined. It has turned out better, I think. But sadder too. Not that the sadness makes it better. Those two things are definitely not to be confused.

Okay I think I'll go now and spend some time being sad, not here.

Uh-oh. Procrastinating again.

2011-08-07T21:29:00.004+01:00

I've got a lot of admin to do for the album launch and I've been putting it off all weekend. Now it's 9.30pm on Sunday, and I still haven't started ... This is not good. But I *am* going to start tonight (even if I don't finish). At times like these I wish I had a PA. Or even a business partner. Or a friend willing to sit with me to help me keep focussed on work ... Hmmm ...

Anyway, here's a recent pic of my darling boy. Pic taken after a day of playing at the park/abbey. He got very grubby, and I changed him into a clean set of clothes and took the rare opportunity to get photos of him CLEAN. He wasn't too impressed. Then we dropped by the fun fair by the car park, and he was pretty chuffed to go on a merry-go-round with vehicles on it. He told me intently, "I want to go on the GREEN MOTORBIKE!!"

He was very serious about riding the motorbike, but obligingly smiled when I asked. I guess he reckoned that he owed me :-)

Singing Like a Little Girl

2011-07-29T23:23:00.002+01:00

I'm just listening to my album tracks now, trying to work out an order. Normally I don't even have to think about putting together a set list. It's like putting a simple puzzle together, I just snap the songs into place ... begin with this one, end with that one, certain songs lead nicely into other ones, and soon the list is done. But tonight I haven't got any sense of clear instinct. I've just been trying putting different songs against one another, seeing if they fit together, listening to ends and beginnings of songs. I suppose this will get the job done, eventually. It's just a rather slow way to go about it, since I've got 66 minutes worth of music on the album!!!

Yep, you heard me right. Sixty-six minutes.

I've just listened to Ahava's Song, which at the moment, I'm thinking will be the second song on the album. Four years ago, when I got back from Calgary with the tracks mostly finished, I emailed Jane Siberry the song, and asked her what she thought. And here's what she said:

"I like your face, your name, the letter you wrote to me. But, I don't respond to a certain 'little girlness' that I hear so often. A coyness, preciousness. I have had it myself and it was part of learning about myself. Behind it all, I hear a clearer voice that isn't hiding, that isn't smiling so much, that has a lot to say and not much time. I would find that deeper part of you a joy to hear."

I wasn't sure what she meant then, and four years on, I still don't know. Listening to the songs again now, I just hear my voice ... it just sounds like me ... just expressing what I'm thinking ... things I've written. A 'little girliness' ... hmmm.

But I like her idea of "a clearer voice that isn't hiding, that isn't smiling so much, that has a lot to say and not much time". A beautiful idea.

I do often smile when I sing. But I often smile when I'm communicating ... because things often seem funny to me. Including things that I write. Like in my song "Away From Me" which begins "When you're away from me ........... you're never with me!" Even when I'm serious, a part of me is often joking. It's just the way I am. That's the smiling bit. And as for 'little girliness', I've been cursed or blessed with often sounding/looking like a little girl, completely unintentionally. Partly it's because I'm not very tall. But partly, it's just genetics, I think?! I wonder if Jane is talking about something about how I look/sound which is unintentional and largely unalterable??

Anyway, if you have any idea what the lovely Jane Siberry was referring to, please let me know!! Perhaps I just need to learn more about myself ...

An escritoire, pen, paper, and leisure time

2011-07-27T21:53:00.003+01:00

When I was younger, I used to fantasize about a future where I'd have an airy bright house, somewhere beautiful, with an escritoire by a window with a view ... And in this fantasy, I had loads of leisure time, and I would write letters with my favourite pens, on beautiful stationery, to my loved ones all around the country and worldwide.

Why a part of me longs to be a Victorian lady is beyond me! Probably something to do with what I read as a child.

But thinking about it now, this picture incorporates so many of my deep heart-desires. The desire to be free, not to feel rushed. My love of stationery, the pleasure of forming letters and words across lovely paper, using a pen that I enjoy. My general abhorrence of domestic chores, cooking, cleaning, tidying, organising, gardening (in my picture, those things are all beautifully handled by servants). My love of correspondence, of writing and receiving letters. My longing for peaceful surroundings ... countryside ...

In a way, with the prevalence of the internet and email, corresponding with loved ones across the miles has become incredibly convenient. Instead of an escritoire, I've got a laptop. I can write to anyone, almost anywhere, any time. But somehow, that makes me busier, not more at leisure. And there's still a sad lack of servants around my house!

Never mind ... I've got other dreams to actualize ... onwards and upwards!

And for your enjoyment, here's a pic of my boy's toes; such lovely toes!

Careers Day

2011-07-23T21:44:00.012+01:00

I wish someone had spoken about psychotherapy at careers day. If I'd known such a job existed when I was younger, I'd probably have a very different life now. I'd be like Paul in In Treatment. Except not so troubled, hopefully. And not sued for malpractice.

I've have an office somewhere, probably in West Vancouver, with a sofa and a couple of armchairs, and a whole load of bookcases full of fiction and non-fiction. Skylights, soft thick carpets, big windows, panoramic views of the sea and mountains. And I'd have patients. People who'd come to me needing a bit of gentle challenging and perceptive listening to help them uncover and work through their issues. Wouldn't that be fun.

I suppose I could train to be a psychotherapist now. But I think I'll stick with the music and see how that pans out first. Re-training for a whole new career at this point in my life seems less appealing than being a pop star.

Thoughts on morality after midnight ...

2011-07-21T00:34:00.007+01:00

Somewhere in my DNA is a little switch that gets activated at around midnight every night ... and the switch makes me want to write. And write. And write.

It's like each day thoughts are dripping into me like water from a leaky tap, and by night time, I've got to tip myself over and pour them all out, like the infamous little teapot. Except in my case, I don't shout for someone else to do it. I take responsibility for myself, dammit! Why can't everyone else do that?

These days I think about various preconceptions I've had since I was little about who I am. The books I read as a child, steeped in moral lessons, led me to believe that somehow I am a genuinely "nice person". They were sneaky, subversive. They drew me in to empathise with "nice" characters, and to recoil from the not-so-nice ones. I don't know if I believe any more, that such a thing as a "nice person" exists. And if it does, I am beginning to seriously doubt that I could be labelled as such.

But whatever the case may be, I am still utterly besotted with my darling wonder of a child. He's in Mozambique at the moment, but here are some pics from the YSP a couple of weeks ago. Enjoy!

recent music video (Haven't Got)

2011-06-09T01:10:00.002+01:00

Decluttering My Mind

2011-06-05T01:24:00.005+01:00

It seems as I get older, I get busier. Well, that's not exactly true. I feel busier, like I have less free time. I don't think that I'm actually any busier now than when I was a teen. I mean, I waste just as much time now as I ever did. The difference is my perception of time.

Time somehow accelerates as one grows older. Each year of childhood seemed to last. On and on and on. My teen years rolled along, slightly more briskly, but still took up a substantial chunk of time, making 21 seem like a huge milestone. My 20's zipped along more briskly still, each year catching me a bit by surprise with how quickly it had passed. And now it seems like if I blink, a week, a month, a quarter, a year will be gone.

I don't think this phenomenon of time seeming to accelerate as one ages is unique to me. And I think it's partly due to simple relativity (as one gets older, a day/month/year becomes a smaller fraction of one's lifetime already lived, so naturally each year seems shorter than the last), but I think it's also related to the way one accumulates memories and experience.

I mean, live in one place long enough, and you'll accumulate loads of stuff. And the more one accumulates, the smaller the place seems.

It's like that. I think we humans have a bad habit of accumulating mental clutter, just like household clutter. And the older we get, the more our mental clutter gets in the way of our day-to-day experience. The more mental clutter we have, the less time we feel we have.

It's getting late ... maybe I'll write more on this later ... must get some sleep now ...

These are a few of my fear-evoking things ...

2011-05-02T10:35:00.004+01:00

Before I start expounding on my bleak topic, here's a pic of my darling boy at his 3rd birthday party, with a few of his friends.

Now on to more serious matters. I'm afraid of ...

- institutions (or rather getting trapped in one)
- authority figures
- anybody older than me
- dull useless events and meetings
- dull chores and tasks (that they'll be endless and get the better of me)
- not being productive
- being too self-absorbed to respond caringly to those around me
- being selfishly motivated and consequently acting to the detriment of others
- making bad decisions
- pain

I think that's about it for now. That list is just off the top of my head. It seemed like a good exercise.

I surprised myself with the "anybody older than me" thing. I think that fear is rooted in the way my parents seemed to believe that age made somebody "right", and everybody younger "wrong". I've got a weird belief now that anyone older than me could very possibly be like a despotic military dictator who will use their age to justify tyrannizing me. Really weird belief indeed. Maybe now that I've had this epiphany, I won't be afraid any longer, of older people.

Anyway, must dash ... duty calls ...

Why We Do What We Do

2011-04-24T23:47:00.000+01:00

Paul: "Did you have the father you needed?"
Gina (breathes in sharply, then laughs curtly): "I'm a therapist. What do *you* think?"
(from "In Treatment" Series 2, Episode 25)

A quarter into 2011 ...

2011-03-20T12:35:00.006Z

2011 is going to be a big year for me ... I can feel it ... I've felt it right from New Year's. But we're almost a quarter of the way through and though it feels as though loads of things are shifting, nothing big, concrete or tangible has happened yet.

I've started going to Artist Development workshops in earnest, and am starting to get an idea of what I need to do to get my music out ... Unfortunately, most of these workshops are near Middlesborough, about an hour-and-a-half drive away. But this is important!!

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a talk by Juan Paz, of Music Ally. He's emigrating to Colombia soon apparently, to head up an EMI division there. He asked each person in the workshop to introduce him/herself and to say what they wanted to get out of the workshop.

I said (laughingly) that I hoped I'd find out in the workshop what I needed to do to get onto "Later with Jools Holland". And Juan rolled his eyes, as if I'd just said something silly, and not very amusing or useful. Perhaps he didn't mean it. And I suppose facilitating a workshop like that comes with pressure. But regardless, I was so unimpressed with his response. He's got his own agenda, his own interests, his own work, and came across (to me) as a bit jaded, a bit "I haven't really got much time for you people as individuals; I'll try to help you out as best as I can but you are all probably losers who are not going to make it in the music industry" ...

Perhaps this is a bit of a defense mechanism. Perhaps to make it in the music industry, one has to believe that one's own music and musical interests are extra special, and probably superior or more special than other people's music. Or perhaps it comes from being a "self-made man" ... of having by sheer dint of hard work pushed bands through from the masses of anonymity and poverty to the realms of acclamation and economic sustainability. Perhaps this experience makes him scorn the masses of artists clamouring to do the same, and of course he realises that many artists will never break through.

Or maybe it's just an unfortunate vibe that he gives off without meaning to, and once you get to know him, maybe he's actually not as dismissive and patronising as he seems in person.

I really don't know. And I'm not going to find out.

My gut tells me not to bother getting in touch with Mr Paz to follow up on the workshop. He may be super skilled at digitally marketing new acts, and helping them get noticed, but that's nothing to me if he has no conviction in my music or in me.

Saying that makes me feel surprisingly cheerful! Roll on 2011 ... let's get the tunes out!!

A Joyous New Year

2010-12-29T16:32:00.003Z

At the moment my emotions are running high. I feel crazy grateful, happy, appreciative. I feel deeply touched by small, sweet gestures. Thoughtfulness. Kindness. And these things are like warm snuggly secrets that I can cradle close to myself, nuzzle my face into them, breathe them in.

If my life were a picture, it would be raining flowers.

It's been a tough year. But tough isn't necessarily bad. Where will this path lead in 2011 ... ? Blessings to you and blessings to me ... may good things grow in our world today, tomorrow, in the New Year.

And of course, for an extra measure of joy and beauty, here's a pic of the darling boy, taken this morning :-)

Keeping my baby warm ...

2010-12-22T00:29:00.006Z

Two winters ago, when KO was only 7 months old, I bought him a red Columbia Powder Down bunting. Down-filled and cosy warm, with the option to fold over flaps at the hands and feet, it kept him perfectly comfortable no matter how cold it got outside. He was a rather large 7 month old, so I bought him the 24 month size. Perfect. He didn't even need boots/shoes or mittens. I just folded over the foot flaps and hand flaps.

He wore it the following year, comfortably. And he's still wearing it this year ...! KO is a bit small for his age, and with mittens and boots, the suit is just perfect ... I think it will just last this winter. Three years of wear ... not bad!

I've just ordered an O'Neill electric blue all-in-one snowsuit for next year. I like to have things ready before they're needed ... I don't like to shop under pressure. This suit is 100% polyester, but there's no reason that shouldn't be as warm as down. I've got a steaming warm Killy ski jacket which is 100% synthetic ... super waterproof, breathable, lightweight ... pity it's extremely hideous. But the O'Neill suit isn't! One thing's for certain ... as long as I'm still deciding what KO wears, he'll be comfortably warm, whatever the weather. Bring on the snow!

Lady Luck

2010-12-18T23:23:00.012Z

There's a weird popular belief about people who "make it" in the music industry ... and it's this: that people who "make it" are just lucky. They happen to be in the right place at the right time, and lucky them, they get to be successful or famous or have a hit or whatever.

I come up against this belief all the time. But it's no coincidence that most people who have "made it" do not hold this belief.

Sure, there are a few cases of people who happen to be playing in some obscure venue, and a "talent scout" happens to be there, and based on the one gig, magicks up an amazing record deal worth millions and presto, the person is a star practically overnight. Oh wait ... no ... I don't think there are any cases like that, actually. So where does this fairytale come from and why do so many people believe it?? Not only do they believe it, but they believe it with a passion.

When I tell people that I'm a musician, aiming to be a pop star ... or at least commercially successful in some other music-related way (like publishing), people often say, "But don't you think that that to make it in music you just have to be lucky ...?" And I reply, "I think it actually takes commitment, hard work, and talent. And possessing the required skills for the journey helps." And that really gets people very worked up!

Why is it so important to people to defend this idea that successful musicians are just "lucky"? I think it's for the same reason that people feel a need to believe that the world somehow makes sense ... that there is an order and reason to it ... that the rich are rich and the poor are poor, and there is not a heck of a lot that can be done about that, as it's all down to "luck" mainly.

People are scared to take personal responsibility for what is going on in the world, and even what is going on in their own lives. They find the idea that actually, anybody could become rich or famous just by choice (commitment and the resultant action), very frightening. In the same way that they find it very frightening to believe that any particular individual (like Mother Teresa or Gandhi) could personally have a vast and profound impact on countless human lives.

I'm not talking about control. I'm talking about personal choice and responsibility. Obviously I can't wave a wand and simply have my dream music career in full bloom instantly. But I can take responsibility for my own career, and I can put in the work required to make that happen.

Taking responsibility is not a very sexy idea in today's day and age. I find that strange as taking responsibility is such a personally empowering thing. And power is thought of as very sexy. But maybe, again, that's about control ... maybe it's a controlling power that people think of as sexy. And as I said, this is not about control. This is about personal empowerment to not blame others, and circumstances for one's own life and the state of the world.

Think about it, if I were to believe that no matter what I did, no matter how hard I worked, my career was entirely up to "luck", how disempowering would that be? How demotivating? People who believe that create a self-fulfilling prophecy as they inevitably don't do the work they need to make things happen. And they quit too early. They wait around hoping for something "lucky" which never happens.

Well, that's not me. I can't say just yet how long it's going to take, but I'm going to get my music out ... big-time ... if you want to help, you can join my facebook or twitter, and you can tell your friends about it!

My facebook: www.facebook.com/LeeSunMusic
My twitter: www.twitter.com/LeeSun

Anyway, will close this thought with a quote by Marianne Williamson (which is often incorrectly attributed to Mandela):

"Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate, but that we are powerful beyond measure."

And of course, a recent pic of my darling boy to bring you joy ...

Carrots, celery and onions ... MAGIC!

2010-11-28T20:52:00.005Z

My friend Gaelle and I went grocery shopping yesterday. She picked up a couple of bags of Chantenay carrots, exclaiming with delight how tasty they were. And she said, "Oh I'll have to get some celery too!"

I said, "Celery?? What do you do with it?"

In her ever so proper English accent (with occasional subtle French inflections) she replied, "When you're making soup or other dishes, you can use carrots, celery and onions ... chop them up ... put them together ... it's MAGIC!"

That is exactly the sort of tip that I need when it comes to cooking ..... I didn't need any persuading ... I picked up some carrots, celery and onions straight away. Today I chopped up this magical combination, stir-fried it till cooked, added some pasta sauce, and had it with spaghetti. It could've done with some mince ... otherwise, Gaelle was right ... MAGIC!!

I wish I'd known this secret when I was a student.

Anyway, did a trial photoshoot with a friend today ... in sub-zero temperatures ... it was so cold that her camera started seizing up and wouldn't focus properly. Cameras are sometimes like people. Here's a photo from today's shoot.

the things that last

2010-11-12T01:24:00.004Z

It's been said before, and it will be said again. Love is eternal. Whenever I see my boy sleeping, I think of things that last, I think of Love.

and the strangeness continues ...

2010-11-10T21:42:00.002Z

Life is unspeakably strange at the moment. Tonight at ten to five, I suddenly had a feeling that I was supposed to be somewhere. And I remembered where. I was supposed to be at a workshop on music marketing! Now, normally I hate to rush, so I plan everything in such a way that gives me plenty of time. But I didn't even THINK about it this time ... I just got myself together, called a taxi, and off I went.

It was a useful and efficiently put together workshop - hosted by Rising Digital. Really really useful, practical tips on marketing one's music. But as I sat there, looking at the examples of their clients' Facebook pages, Twitter pages, iLike, Soundcloud and so forth, I had the strangest feeling ... the pages were all for artists/acts that I had never listened to or heard of before yesterday. And the reason I had listened to them yesterday is because they're all managed by the same group, and it happens to be the group that I contacted recently and sent a demo to.

Surreal.

I'm not sure what would be stranger: if something comes of all this serendipity, or if nothing does!

the right thing at the right time

2010-11-09T23:53:00.005Z

What a strange year I've had!

Through a series of events, or rather the influence of two very special people I met this year who quite bizarrely happen to share a birthday, I ended up emailing a very interesting man at an agency in London ... and then sent him my CD ... and we're going to have a chat next week about how we might work together (the agency and me, I mean)! Nothing concrete, but I just feel so happy to have actually sent out a demo, and to have actually got a positive response ... it feels amazing ... like I've overcome something.

Writing is easy. Singing is easy. Performing is easy. Recording is so easy. Sending out demos? Pitching myself within the strange world of the music industry? So hard. For me. I just haven't been able to do it, up to now ... but I think I just did!! (Though I think I did a particularly crazy poor job of it ... but that hasn't killed everything, thankfully!!)

So ........ YES!!!!!! YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!

I don't know if anything will come of this but it feels like a massive personal victory ... shall keep y'all posted!!!!! :-D

music so extraordinary

2010-11-01T00:37:00.007Z

I went to see O'Hooley and Tidow tonight. They put on a gorgeous show as always, and I'm a particular fan of Belinda, her writing and gorgeous voice. The first time I saw OH&T, I bought their CD, but the magic of their music really happens with their live show. Lucy Ward opened for them and sang rather beautifully. And Anna Esslemont joined OH&T on violin on various songs ... brilliant. So good, in fact, that I swapped CD's with absolutely everybody (well, Anna didn't have a CD to swap, so I just gave her one of mine), and I'm hoping to get to their gig in Otley in two weeks' time to see the show all over again!

Who else have I found magical recently?

Laura J Martin. I adore Laura. She is lovely and beautiful and incredibly talented. Another live show worth making much effort to experience!!

And of course, my band of the moment, Hurts. I haven't seen them live, but kudos to them for putting out a magically listenable album. That's an artform in itself. And I've heard their live show is rather magical as well.

It's all about the magic.

I think I'll go practice being magic now. Since it's almost 1 am, I guess I'd better do that quietly.

In LeeSun Music news, I'm moving my Facebook page to HERE. Please do go and click on 'Like' to keep up-to-date with my musical happenings.

And just for fun, here are a few pics of KO at the pool taken about a month ago.

Crime and Punishment

2010-10-28T00:27:00.006+01:00

I feel like I've grown up a lot this year. It's been a heavy year.

I've learned a lot about punishment. I see it everywhere. Anytime someone is angry or frustrated or tired or afraid or hurt, they're liable to punish someone else for it ... and it seems to me that that spells out death for a relationship.

Everything in a relationship either contributes to its growth or its death. Everything is either positive or negative. There is no neutrality. And punishment is death. And the only way to reverse the effects of punishment is reconciliation through apologies, and acceptance of apologies, and mutual affirmation, confirming affection and love yada yada yada.

So what does punishment look like?

Withdrawal, refusing to communicate or share.
Violence, verbal or physical.
Accusations.
Sulking.

Those are just a few faces of punishment ... The concept is simple. Punishment is any way one uses one's own power to hurt somebody or make them suffer.

I think it's one of those traps that often gets handed down through the generations ... children see their parents dealing with stress by punishing others, and they learn that behaviour. I've seen a lot of punishing behaviours in my life. Punishing others comes with the illusion of being empowered, as it's a way of exercising one's own power. But the very nature of it is disempowering. Because it's a destructive and self-destructive behaviour.

Anyone who punishes another person is acting destructively in the relationship, and that by its nature is an act of self-harm.

I guess that's why it's important for parents to understand the difference between punishment and discipline. Discipline is a way of making things right, of training young and pliable minds, hearts and spirits into straight, strong, healthy paths. It's about strengthening and support and correction. If one punishes a child, it should be a form of discipline, an act that affirms the child and lets them know that they are loved and supported and all good things are desired for them. It should never be an acting out in anger or annoyance or even sorrow or self-protection.

And for those of us who experience punishment on any given day (that would be most of us then), I guess the answer is to either confront it when possible/appropriate, or to simply forgive and move on. We have lives to live, dreams to dream. We cannot, we must not, take on others' destructive actions or behaviours and let it destroy us.

Anyway, on a lighter note, here's a pic taken last week of me and my boy.

... and ... a WALL!!!

2010-10-18T00:44:00.005+01:00

I went walking with KO this morning, ... he was on his bike. He laughed as he cycled, saying, "Wheeeeeeee!!!!!" in between laughs. At one point he went down a curb, across the entrance of a used car lot, and back up the curb on the other side. And as he went up the curb he cried out delightedly, "Look!!!!!!! .... More PAVEMENT!!!!" ... [pause] .... "And ..." ... [cycling faster, then crying out with even greater delight] ... "a WALL!!!!!!"

How could anybody witness KO this morning and not be filled with joy? :-)

happy now?

2010-09-30T22:07:00.004+01:00

Here are a few pics of me and my boy at the park today. I love how expressive he is ...

so happy,
and jubilant,
and thoughtful,
and focussed,
and alarmed,
and surprised,
and interested
by turns.

More and more, I'm beginning to understand there's a way to find joy in any given day-to-day period in my life ... no matter what stresses, or dissatisfactions there are ... There will always be stressors, ...

If I were to suddenly get a break with my music, break into a wider public consciousness, of course that would be exciting ... I'd be delighted ... but if I can't be happy without that, I don't think I'll be able to be happy with that either. Because that's not what determines my happiness ........

And how ...

2010-09-19T03:42:00.001+01:00

... I love my boy ...

a little bit wild

2010-09-14T16:42:00.005+01:00

As cliche as it is to talk about the weather, I really must today ... it's such a remarkably beautiful September day.

There's something wild about the weather today ...

ferocious gusts ripping about,
causing havoc, roaring past
bright blue skies
a raggle taggle assortment of clouds

September is well and truly its own month. July and August may blur together in friendly homogeneity, but September stands apart.

It brings a cold brilliant sun, hinting at winter. And a strong sense of change. Change you can't quite see yet ... only feel.

Change is afoot, my friend.

so proud

2010-08-29T02:30:00.002+01:00

One unexpected joy of parenthood I've found is the sheer pride I feel daily for KO. He doesn't have to do much, really ... just existing, and being my son, makes me so proud of him.

I tell him so.

And he often gives me a fierce hug and says, "I'm so proud of YOU mummy!"

I wonder what he understands that to mean ...? What does a 2-and-a-half-year-old understand about emotion? Quite a lot, it seems to me.

At two different points today, he cried and then lifted his arms to me saying, "I need a CUDDLE ...". The first was this afternoon after shouting JUMP while standing on a footstool, then plunging face first onto the floor. The second was tonight after he accidentally hit me in the face with a toy apple, which I consequently confiscated as I had warned him several times that if the apple landed on me again I would take it away from him.

He's so good at knowing when he's sad, and why.

But being proud of someone or something seems like a slightly more complex concept. He does seem proud of me ... sometimes when we encounter other toddlers, he'll place a hand on me and say, almost defiantly, "This is MY mummy. Not YOUR mummy." And when there's nobody else about, he'll sometimes say, "You're my mummy ..." questioningly, and grin when I reply in the affirmative.

I'm so proud of him.

Tonight we went to the supermarket ... he was full of energy as he and I had snuck in an afternoon nap together (something I haven't done since he was a tiny little thing). As I picked out fruit, he made a beeline for a heap of fresh broccoli, picked out a head, and brought it to me saying, "Mummy, I want this broccoli." And I felt like a sunny day was bursting forth from inside me, it was so lovely. He also picked out a fresh loaf of bread while I was picking up bagels. And then he trotted down the biscuit aisle ... I followed him and he picked out some organic ginger biscuits.

"Good choice!" I said. But he promptly put them back saying, "No I don't want these. I want THESE." He'd seen the luxury chocolate biscuits. Picking up a large box, he held it towards me saying, "I want these for YOU mummy ..."

"Really!" I said. "For ME!"

Nodding seriously, he added, "And for me too."

I said 'no' to the biscuits. Instead of protesting, he put them straight back, and picked up a much smaller, plainer-looking box of Thornton's chocolate biscuits and appealingly asked, "THESE ones ...?? Please....?"

That's my boy.

I gave in to the Thornton's but told him he couldn't have any until the morning as one couldn't eat chocolate biscuits once it was dark. And he accepted the deal.

Aah ...... I am so proud of my boy.

Will post a pic soon but haven't taken any pics of him in awhile ... am too busy just enjoying being with him to take pictures ... and he gets a bit annoyed with being photographed anyway.

It's me, it's me ...

2010-08-20T22:08:00.002+01:00

I'm getting a bit old to be grappling with identity still ... but LIFE, it just blows me away every time I stop and think about it.

I am here.

I am alive.

Mind blowing.

For as long as I can remember I've been trying to figure out what that means, and trying to get to know who I am. Singularly self-absorbed pastime, it's true ... but one that I'm compelled to pursue. Not sure why I'm wired that way. Perhaps it's a dysfunction ... or perhaps it isn't.

And why are we so broken????????? Why am I????????????????????

It's a sunny day ...

2010-08-10T18:57:00.004+01:00

Both in Leeds, and metaphorically, in my life ... I'm feeling sunny today!

This is partly due to the endorphins rushing about my system
(I just did a street dance class at the gym, plus 15 minutes of abs circuits),

partly due to feeling well rested
(have slept in for two days in a row now -- what a luxury!!!!!),

and partly due to a sense that things are starting to come together again, in a way that I've been wanting for a very long time.

Music ...
relationships ...
housekeeping ...
personal development ...

I'm processing a lot of sadness, a lot of brokenness ... grappling with forgiveness ... heavy stuff. But good.

In the end, only God, LOVE herself, can heal up these deep old hurts ... I just need to give in.

Fruit Thieves

2010-08-05T20:55:00.004+01:00

I noticed this afternoon that the apple tree in the front garden has been completely stripped of fruit. Even the high branches. All at once. Bizarre.

Last week (or maybe even yesterday), every branch was heavy with fruit. Somebody, or a group of somebodies, has actually stolen (with a fair bit of effort) a LOT of half ripe apples from the tree. Apples due to fully ripen in September.

The mind boggles.

To eat??? As a joke? Out of malice?

I just don't get it.

The world I am living in has gone mad.

Another few inches off.

2010-07-04T13:19:00.005+01:00

Last week I cut a few more inches off my hair. It took less than a minute. I guess I'm really tired these days and I felt like I needed something to make my day-to-day easier. Having a bit less hair to comb seemed like a good idea.

Sometimes that's all it takes. Something to make things a bit easier ...

I've had another baby-free weekend (James took KO camping) ... it's coming to an end in a couple of hours ...

Here's a recent pic of KO on the train coming home from Knaresborough.

For those who love labels ...

2010-06-15T17:10:00.000+01:00

I'm a 'liberal' apparently. Liberal in my faith, liberal in my political views, my parenting outlook, my general worldview. The label is an easy quick way of giving people a general idea of where I'm coming from. It's like giving a genre for my music. It's not a comprehensive or even entirely accurate description of 'me' but it's useful.

I was asked recently by a friend (of sorts) if I could explain where my liberal-ness came from. The question was in reference to my liberal attitude towards marriage. The context: James and I have differing views on various things. And on certain issues, I just think James needs to sort out his issues. My friend thought it shocking that I didn't consider it a Biblical imperative to submit entirely to James' points of view on all issues, regardless of whether or not I agreed.

So he asked me to explain, and I said that I believed the Spirit guided each of us as individuals, and that was what I personally wanted to follow ... even if that contravened James' direction.

This particular issue of wifely submission seemed to be especially paramount to this particular friend, and though I didn't point it out to him, I think it might be worthwhile for him to consider why this is the case. There are scores of 'Biblical imperatives' and he doesn't seem too concerned with some of them ...

Often Christians pick and choose Biblical imperatives and use them as is expedient to their philosophies / preferences. For the liberals there is plenty to pick from. Likewise the conservatives.

I'm more interested in a theology that is more interested in God, in faith, in living, in loving, than one that is wrapped up in picking-and-choosing Biblical imperatives to decorate the walls of my house.

But then I would be, wouldn't I? I'm a liberal after all.

text book

2010-06-05T22:42:00.005+01:00

"Mummy, THAT!! I need THAT!!!" he cried out yesterday morning suddenly, staring and pointing up at the front room window. Keeping his gaze fixed, he scrambled onto the armchair, climbed onto the arm, leaned on the window, jabbed again in the direction of the sky outside. "Mummy THAT___!" he said even more urgently. "That ball! That ball!"

"What is it darling? What do you need?"

"That ball!!! Ball in sky!! Ball! Sky!"

And then I realised he was pointing at the 2/3 of the moon visible, luminous in the pale blue morning sky. He was asking for the moon.

And I laughed and laughed.

He stopped staring at it and frowned at me.

"Darling, that's the moon!! I'm sorry! You can't have it!" (still laughing)

He must have heard the absolute finality of that statement in my voice, laughter and all. He didn't start crying, as he does when he's denied something that he thinks he might get if he cries hard enough. He frowned at the moon, logging the fact that it was unobtainable, a bit disappointed but accepting the fact.

He asked me for the moon ...

If I could've, I would've.

Everything takes time.

2010-05-04T11:39:00.003+01:00

This morning I typed up a compliments slip for Little Music Tree, 4 up, printed out about fifty sheets, and cut them up carefully. It took about half an hour to produce about 200 compliments slips, from design to completion. It boggles the mind.

Until now, I've been hand writing compliments notes on postcards ... Perhaps they were more beautiful than the printed ones ... but it took about 10 minutes to do each one. That's about 70 times slower than the ones I printed this morning.

I guess I appreciate the difference all the more because I remember a time when nobody I knew had a personal computer, let alone a laser printer. And every technological leap impacting the day-to-day possibilities for little old me and millions of other people, has brought with it a sense of time rushing forward, like downhill acceleration, like something inevitable.

It's as though all things imaginable will come to pass, as if anything is possible.

And in the midst of it, as resources increase, I'm left with the ever present question: what is the best use of my resources? This morning that meant putting aside my love of writing on glossy postcards with my favourite pens, and freeing up the time I spend on that to do stuff like blogging.

I've been a bit lost ... and I haven't written much in the last half decade or so ... But I'd like to turn over a new leaf, pick up my metaphorical pen, and get writing again.

So here's to a lot more blogging, starting work on those books I've been meaning to write, and a better use of resources.

i feel like a mole

2010-04-26T20:42:00.003+01:00

... on a rock
in the sun
parched
battered
but the sun
feels amazing
anyway

bits sting
parts ache
my head is tired
everything's shifting
time is creeping
fleeting

maybe this is half time
or double
time to call in
the replacements
replenish
restore
resort
resow
re

i'm still missing something
what is it
what is my azimuth

i need
another revelation

What a strange time ...

2010-04-24T12:26:00.001+01:00

This has been the strangest year of my life so far. Big changes. I wonder (a little) what the future holds ...

To forgive is divine

2010-04-22T22:30:00.001+01:00

I had a revelation today: forgiveness means not being angry any more. And it is amazing.

issues

2010-04-08T23:22:00.003+01:00

I get a real high from performing live. Everything feels better when I'm performing live. I feel like things are more right in the world, and I am more me. I feel so safe and excited all at the same time. And I can't think of anything else that does that for me.

Except maybe the first month of knowing JFC. October 2000.

When I met JFC, I felt so free. Like I could say anything, do anything, ... it was so exciting.

Where did it come from? That feeling of coming home, of being where I belong, of everything being right ...?

I want to connect ... be connected ... be happy ... be free ...

I thought life with JFC would be a journey of being those things together, supporting each other in those things. But it has been a really hard journey, and seems to grow increasingly difficult. I thought we promised each other to help one another, to be together, on the journey. But now I'm questioning that. Who promised what to whom? Maybe I only imagined the promises.

Or maybe it's my past that's dragging me down now. It's crazy how long the arm of the past can be.

I don't know.

I need help.

always writing about ...

2010-03-31T02:06:00.003+01:00

... the Truth.

I like things that are plain
Simple, but not simplistic
Easy to understand straight away
But with new facets and depths to be discovered
For as long as one thinks about it

I like things that are funny
And not so much the things that are sad
Unless they're only sad because they're so beautiful
I guess that's why I like people

People are funny
And beautiful

Tearing Down Walls

2010-02-02T13:40:00.003Z

Last month I started shopping for a house big enough to accommodate a dining table. But the only options I found were houses in very industrial parts of Leeds, some distance from most of our friends. Ergo, I decided it was high time to knock through some walls in our current house.

Currently we have a tiny kitchen (just big enough for one person to stand and work in), and a small lounge (big enough for a sofa and a couple of armchairs, but not big enough to have a table too). But I've done a lot of thinking about this, and I reckon that if we take out the wall in between the lounge and kitchen, we can put a table where the wall used to be.

Things have moved very quickly since I decided the wall must come down ... and today is the first day of wall demolition. We have fled the house and are safely lodged with our kind friends up the road. I think we'll be here for a little while ... a week at best, or three weeks tops.

Pics of the wall demolition to follow soon ...

Baby Free Weekend

2010-01-22T13:05:00.003Z

It's strange to think that I won't see KO for the next two days. I've just said 'bye' to him as he cheerfully left the house with James for nursery. James is going to pick him up this afternoon en route to a weekend away ... without me!

Since becoming a mum, I've often thought how amazingly productive I would have been if I had been as productive with my pre-parenthood time as I am now. And now maybe I'll find out what that might have looked like ...

I guess I blogged more before KO was born. And posted fewer pics.

Baby is crying

2010-01-03T00:01:00.007Z

Tonight is the first night of putting KO to sleep in his own bed, in his own room. It's just past midnight now and he's crying. James has stayed with him for the past three hours. KO sounds v sad :-(

2 am

2009-11-30T02:16:00.003Z

It seems no-one in the city is awake but me. 2 am. Intense quiet. I would be perfectly happy with this except there will be KO in the morning (or maybe even in the night) crying for me.

In the city centre, there will be patches of activity, music, people ... even now ... So nice to be at home, warm.

The passage of time seems unreal to me, as though I'm dreaming, or watching it speed by in a film. Sometimes I look at KO and really cannot comprehend how he can possibly be over a year and a half old.

It makes me think this will all be over sooner than I know. I'm not a morbid person. Once a friend said to me something to the effect of, "Well, everybody thinks about suicide at some time or another ..." He said it with utter confidence. And I truly found it a foreign concept.

I've never thought about suicide, but in recent years I have thought about 'death' ... I put that in quotes as I don't think that's the end of anything. Perhaps it's just the beginning, really. Or at least, another beginning, just as birth into this world was a beginning.

I'm at peace with the thought that I'll die some day, just as I'm at peace with that fact that I was born, and I am. I have no control over any of those things. And in a larger sense, I believe that trying to control what isn't meant to be personally controlled is the cause of much of what is wrong in the world. Un-heaven. Striving for control is a very blinding thing. And being able to see is very important to me ... so controlling things is the last thing I want to attempt.

I'd rather see.

I'm slow, it's late, good night.

Pen and Paper, Pure Pleasure

2009-11-20T11:51:00.005Z

Good things go on and on ... memories of pleasure. Sometimes one has to dig a bit deeper to get to them, particularly when it’s been awhile, and life has grown crowded with chaos clamouring for dominance.

Recently I’ve been thinking about the things I’ve loved in the past. I’ve been talking about it to my two therapists this week. Aha! This is my first public mention of my therapists. Yes indeed, I have two therapists. I call them Sharing and Caring. How did this wondrous circumstance come about, you ask?

To make a long story less long: I’ve just been thinking for quite awhile that it might be a good idea to see a counsellor. So I put in enquiries with two local centres that offered free counselling. That was about six months ago. I finally heard back from someone in September, and we set up a time to meet in October. October rolled around, my appointment loomed, and lo and behold I received a response from the second place offering me a time to meet that very same week.

I had waited for so long for one, and then two came at once. Just like buses.

Anyway, I’m in week 5 of therapy now, and I am feeling the effects alright. Therapy is kind of like an emotional massage. So this week, Sharing got me thinking about what I do to relax, which got me thinking about what I used to do, way back when, to relax. And after thinking about it for a day, I spoke to Caring about it, and she summed it up as Creativity. She said that it sounded to her like being Creative was very important to me.

And I guess she’s right. I normally shy away from labelling what I do as ‘Creative’ as I associate that word with assignments and activities where even though I was asked to be creative, the real assignment was to guess what was in the mind of person giving the assignment, and to produce that. Mindreading is not my fave activity. I usually avoid it, which is difficult when that’s the assignment.

(On a tangent, this is partly why I dislike formal primary and secondary education ... it’s all about measurable right and wrong answers (usually entailing mindreading or hoop-jumping), and I think that’s counterproductive to learning. Of course, I understand that having good systems of formal education in place is very useful for creating people who can follow instructions. And by and large that is a necessary part of a world where a very few ‘powerful’ people enjoy the benefits of everybody else working (or starving). I know that that statement will probably be wildly misconstrued or simply nonsensical to most people reading this. But I don’t need to worry about that since nobody reads this blog.)

Anyway, I digress. And I am fully aware at this moment that I have other things I want to do today besides blog, so to wrap this up ... maybe I will explain the title of this post further the next time I blog here!!!!!!!

Blessings to you. Here is a picture of a tree, taken about a week ago. And a picture of the boy walking the dog.

Welcome back Corinne

2009-11-18T23:59:00.000Z

Went to see Corinne sing tonight, mainly songs from her new album 'The Sea' which is out next year. So beautiful. Bravo, Corinne!

The boy this October

2009-11-10T00:33:00.000Z

The darling child ... photos from last month (in chronological order). He brings us so much joy ... I hope these pics will give you joy too!

Where is my XD card / USB adaptor?

2009-09-18T22:12:00.005+01:00

This child looks so innocent, doesn't he?

These pics were taken 4 days ago ... not long before my XD card adaptor went missing. And what is that he's holding in his hand ...? Okay KO, where have you stashed it? ... He's not telling. I hope he hasn't eaten it.

not much to say ...

2009-09-01T01:19:00.009+01:00

... at the moment ...

But I've always got more pics of the darling child! Here are some recent ones. The boy is exactly 17 months today!

On a slide (guess where?) ...

In a wood (guess where?) ...

Lunching out (guess where?) ...

After a swim (guess where?) ...

See ya!

there is no try

2009-07-17T00:21:00.004+01:00

Try?? There is no try. Just do.

I could do with a lot more 'doing' and a lot less 'trying'.

Sometimes writing is the only thing that feels worthwhile to me. But only inspired writing. And that's problematic when one is uninspired.

But KO is a constant reminder of valuable things I've forgotten. He brings me the wisdom of a child who lives loves eats breathes rejoices dances, totally at ease, totally free ...

Salts Mill pics ...

feeding the cat

2009-07-12T20:37:00.008+01:00

We've decided to try feeding KO by leaving a bowl full of food and a drink for him on the lounge floor, and topping up the food throughout the day. It's working pretty well so far.

Advantages: No more lengthy unsuccessful attempts to feed KO. No more constant wondering if he's hungry. He seems determined to feed himself, and only one or two mouthfuls at a time, grazing through the day.

Disadvantages: Mess. Everywhere.

Here are pics of the darling as usual.

"Look at the plane!" (today)

"Look at the ant!" (a minute later)

"Look at the weeds!" (awhile later)

A bit more gardening ...

The Punch and Judy show at Kirkstall Festival yesterday

KO watching the Punch and Judy show. Nonplussed.

Yay yay yay! The first CD is now being manufactured!

2009-06-11T00:12:00.007+01:00

WARNING: Very unusually, I've got LOADS of news so, as I used to write to James (hubby) when I first met him online, here's a PAMYC warning (get some Popcorn And Make Yourself Comfortable).

1) The CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The CD currently in production is the first in a series of 4 CD's that will be released over the next 10 months. Each CD will have 4 tunes on it. You can collect all four CD's, and put them together to make a nice big picture! Here are the titles of the CD's (you can kind of guess what the general tone of each CD will be):

Dis illusion
Heart felt
Fine tune
For give, For get, For ever!

So I know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "This is the most fabulous news I have had, the most exciting project I've heard about, in AGES! Tell me, tell me, WHERE can I buy this CD?"

Patience, young jedi knights, all shall be revealed in due course if you continue reading!

If you would like to one day soon have your very own copy of Dis illusion in your hands, complete with gorgeous artwork all by yours truly, you CAN through one of various means!

FIRST OPTION: Come to a gig!

I will be selling Dis illusion at gigs, starting the 25th of this month, when I'll be playing at the Verve Bar, Merrion Street, Leeds City Centre.

At gigs, the CD will cost £3 or two for £5. At gigs I'll be happy to take either cash or credit card! Yes indeed, I have got a credit card swiper! Woohoo!

SECOND OPTION: Pre-order it!

The pre-order price will be £4 per CD with free shipping! You can pre-order the CD by either sending a PayPal payment to leesunclark [at] hotmail [dot] com or sending me a cheque (email me for my mailing address), and the very day I receive the CD's (in about two weeks time) I shall package up any pre-orders and send them to you! Ooh, exciting! If you pre-order, please email me at blog [at] leesunmusic [dot] com to let me know that you've sent or are sending payment, and I'll confirm your order by email.

THIRD OPTION: Ask me a question!

The Official LeeSun Music website will be launched in July. The main page will consist of an advice column of sorts called WWLD (What Would LeeSun Do). Ask me something, anything, and if I use your question on the website I'll send you a free CD!

FOURTH OPTION: Download it!

In July, you will also be able to download Dis illusion at bandcamp, and by about November, the tunes will also be available through most major mp3 online distributors ... details to follow once the downloads are available.

FIFTH OPTION: All of the above!!!!!

If you are super keen, go for it!!

OTHER NEWS.......

Release party! I don't need much excuse for a party, and I'm hoping that you don't either! For those of you in the Leeds vicinity, I hope you'll be able to make it to the party here in July (more details to follow). For those of you in far-flung places, don't despair! You can throw a release party too! Please let me know if you want to do this, and you can purchase the CD in quantities of 10 or more for just £3 each including shipping!

Also coming ... the first LeeSun Music video! Wicked awesome sick and smoking! It will be on YouTube very very soon ... details to follow!!

Okay, I think that's plenty of news for the time being ... yay yay yay yay yay!

Big love, blessings and hugs to y'all and your loved ones!

... and of course, to cheer up your day even further, here is a recent pic of darling KO and his lovely cousin!

has it really been that long?

2009-05-12T21:01:00.003+01:00

Have I really not said anything for over two months? I am surprised.

I was sure I posted up a pic of the boy on his birthday, 1st April ... here's one of him in his Korean outfit, taken on his birthday!

He's been walking about like a baby dinosaur for almost two months now, gleeful in his increased mobility.

And I'm working each day, balancing keeping house, being a mum, and getting my album sorted. Why it takes so long, I really do not know! I'm slow.

But as the midpoint of this year draws near (i.e., June 30th), I'm feeling like it's time to push for the release of the first part of 4x4. No release date yet, but I have just this moment resolved that DIS ILLUSION, a video or two, and my website will all be launched by the end of June. Yay! Let's do it!

round the clock

2009-02-28T23:56:00.003Z

Here's the boy in the bath tonight;

JFC has just headed up to bed; I should head to bed too;

Midnight;

I was thinking randomly the other day, when I was in high school, I used to gripe all the time to one of my friends about how mean my sister was to me; a few years later my friend and sis met, while both visiting me in Vancouver, and ended up getting married; go figure!

Anyway, to bed ,,,

un-heaven

2009-02-09T22:50:00.003Z

KO still sleeps in my and J's bed. For awhile we tried putting him in his own room at bedtime (around 8), but he kept waking up at midnight for a feed, and it was just so much easier to feed him in our bed while drifting off to sleep.

Most mornings I wake up a few minutes before KO. I don't know if this is a weird body clock thing, or if I actually am somehow waking KO up by staring at him. Because that's what I do when I wake up. Stare at the beautiful baby.

These days I'm really emotional. Every morning, while staring at baby, terrible stories come to me ... a couple of years ago I read a book about Brazilian street kids. Non-fiction. In the book, there's an armless, legless child who is 'owned' by a gang who cut off his limbs when he was a baby. Limbless and utterly dependent on the gang, the child is left on the street begging each day to raise funds for the gang.

This morning that story came to mind ... the horror of it filled me and I just held KO and wept ... I felt so thankful that I was in a position to protect KO, and at the same time so sad for all the children who need protection and don't have it.

I don't understand why people hurt one another ... I don't understand how anyone can even be capable of it ... but it happens every day, all the time.

And I've said hurtful things to others before. I try to be more careful now ... I think, every time I say something hurtful, I'm contributing to the problem of un-heaven.

night owl

2009-02-08T00:00:00.003Z

Before I married James, I used to stay up every night, just thinking things over and journalling; (the full stop key on my keyboard isn't working too well right now, so I'm going to use semicolons instead)

I still often stay up late (thought not as often as I used to),,,

But no more journalling,,, I'm not sure what to do with the volumes upon volumes of blank books I've filled up with journalling,,, every time I go to throw them out, I end up flipping one open to double-check that I really do want to get rid of it *forever* and I end up reading my own old journalling for hours,,, and then I end up putting it back;

Should I chuck them all out? Why do I still have them?

I still have almost all of the letters I've received over the years too,,, the other day, I had the urge to organise something so I grabbed a boxful of old letters, and hole-punched them all and put them into a binder;

James says that one day an archaeologist with find the binder and be grateful,,, and wonder what sort of special person hole-punches their personal correspondence and files it in a binder;

Anyway, two events happened today;

1) a good friend of ours married a very nice man

2) two very good friends of ours (who happen to be KO's godparents) had a baby!

Today we went to the house of our friends (referenced in 2 above) to rehearse some music for the wedding (see 1 above), and when we got there, E opened the door, jogging slowly on the spot and said, "I'm in labour!"

They hadn't cancelled the rehearsal as they hadn't wanted to deal with the logistics of diverting 7 people elsewhere on such short notice; so we rehearsed in their lounge while E laboured upstairs!

Rehearsal over, we headed off to the wedding (one musician short), and not long after the ceremony got a text announcing the birth of the baby; no messing around, eh?

Anyway, it's twenty past midnight,,, much as I love these quiet hours, I'm going to head to bed,,,

Good night all, I do hope you're well!

email from goodness direct

2009-01-10T00:51:00.002Z

Ha ha I just received an email from Goodness Direct with the subject,

"Millions of bacteria hide in your mouth. Kill 'em."

edible emails in 2009

2009-01-08T00:32:00.007Z

First things first ... the obligatory pic of KO! This one was taken last month, in Barcelona.

It's 2009! Hurrah! J is a man on fire at the moment, planning the release of my album. It turns out that my debut album (recorded in Calgary in 2007, not long before I became pregnant with KO) is going to be a debut in four parts.

Dun da-da daaaaa ... (drum roll and fanfare please)

Announcing ... the imminent release of ............... LeeSun : 4x4

Four EPs,
each containing 4 uniquely wonderful tunes ...

Downloads will be available through most of the popular sites (and some unpopular ones too, like maybe even this blog), and CDs will be available through CDBaby.

The first in the series is as follows:

4x4: dis illusion

01 Mickey Mouse
02 Always That Way
03 Wise
04 Without Me

So when will it be released and what have edible emails got to do with it? Watch this space to find out!

knitting and other sundries

2008-12-01T22:03:00.003Z

Here's KO a week ago, wearing a hat that I knitted!

The dull expression is due to sickness and teething.

Well, not a lot happening over here these days ... KO continues to grow, I've taken up knitting, J & I have bought a little house to rent out, my album is still unreleased, just regular stuff I guess.

Feeling uninspired quite a lot of the time ... or at least this very moment, anyway. It's probably the tiredness talking. We weren't able to get KO to sleep until about 10 o'clock tonight. I hate it when that happens.

A year from now I'll probably remember this phase with fondness and maybe even miss KO's clinginess.

I'll think about how sweet he was, crawling around like a little gecko, pouncing on his Fisher Price toys, bouncing whenever you picked him up, and playing with shrieky giggly excitement in the evenings instead of settling down to sleep.

I'll look back at the pics and vids and well up inside at how adorable he sounded and looked and seemed.

I'll pick him up with a grunt of exertion and reminisce about when he weighed half as much, and kicked his chubby little baby legs, and flapped his chubby little baby arms.

That day is swiftly approaching, I'm sure. In the meantime, I am so tired I could sleep for a week and forget that I have an 8 month old baby whose future is now inextricably caught up with mine.

Happy 100 days KO!

2008-07-14T14:35:00.004+01:00

Last week, KO turned 100 days old. Here's a pic of him in his hanbok (minus the jacket) from his dedication ceremony, and a pic of him taken this morning.

KO 12 weeks

2008-06-24T00:48:00.004+01:00

KO had his first swimming lesson today! What an adventure!

I expected more of a sort of supervised play session in the pool, but there was no messing about, no sirree. Here's a pic of him and JFC watching the babies in the class ahead of him. I realised after taking the pic that his swim nappy was a size too small, and changed him into the next size up -- a 'Medium' already!

KO now 11 weeks

2008-06-19T11:24:00.008+01:00

Here's the obligatory KO pic, taken just over a week ago ... I'd put a more recent one up, but haven't downloaded the memory card off the cam yet.

I had a feeling KO would be grumpy today when he woke up at 7.30 and started crying. He normally starts the day with a steady stream of gurgling smiles. Sure enough, he's been grumpy off and on for the past 4 hours ... inconsolable.

He wasn't hungry or soiled or bored, just really tired and unhappy! So I strapped him into the hugabub, put on "The Best of Island" (ska), turned up the volume, and bounced him till he fell into a light sleep, where he is now, hurrah!

Taking care of KO reminds me all the time that taking responsibility and taking control are very different things, in fact they conflict with each other. Doing my best for KO means taking responsibility and doing what I can for his well-being, and recognising that much is out of my control ... we cannot control all of the outcomes; we just have to play it by ear and deal with things as they arise.

He might cry, he might get hurt or ill, he might get tired or unhappy. Despite all the 'experts' claiming otherwise, I'm pretty sure there's no secret way to keep a baby happy and/or placid 24/7 (without heavy sedatives?!). On the whole KO is a fairly peaceful baby, who feeds and sleeps well, enjoys playing, loves his mum and dad (woohoo) and lives in a world where he feels loved and well cared for. But in his short life so far he's still had 6 weeks of colicky evenings, a couple of rounds of painful nappy rash, teething pains, poorliness after immunisations, and various other small discomforts that made him irritable or unhappy for a time.

It seems that those who try hardest to control all the outcomes get the most freaked out at taking responsibility ... perhaps the greatest freedom is found in taking all one's responsibility and surrendering all the outcomes.

KO 9 weeks

2008-06-04T08:26:00.003+01:00

The whole world smiles with you ...

2008-05-15T20:02:00.003+01:00

KO started smiling for real a few days ago. It takes some effort ... to coax a smile, I have to grin at him for ages (in an insane sort of way), and he'll stare intently at my mouth, deep in concentration. Then the smiles ensue ... sometimes little flitting smiles, sometimes big grins.

I haven't caught him smiling on camera yet, so here's a pic of him from Monday (when he was almost 6 weeks old), asleep with James.

he's so sweet

2008-05-08T02:16:00.002+01:00

I've just fed KO and put him in his rocking cradle and am resisting the urge to pick him up again and let him sleep on my chest.

Where does the time go?

2008-05-04T18:49:00.004+01:00

Here's a pic of me and KO at Becketts Park a couple of weeks ago. James has decided he'd like to take baby out for a walk in a green space every day if poss. Most of the time I go along ...

But what I'd like to know is, where does the time go?

The day is now split into 3 hour chunks. Every 3 hours, KO guzzles 4oz of milk, fills his nappy, and has a nap. This goes on all day and all night. At first I thought the schedule was intensive and exhausting. Then I mentioned it to a couple of friends with children and they exclaimed with delight how glad I must be, and how good it was that KO had established such a lenient schedule already ...

I had been expecting sympathy, but it turns out that this is the lot of motherhood. In fact, it seems I've got it easy compared to how many other parents have it.

Amazing.

And kudos to all those other parents!

KweeOwen, 2 weeks old

2008-04-17T12:59:00.003+01:00

Here is KweeOwen, a pic from two days ago when he was two weeks old. Check out the squareness of his head.

Before KO was born, James told me that baby's skull would compress and the plates would shift and overlap to help baby fit through the birth canal. So, James warned me, baby's head might be a bit cone-shaped when he was born, but his head would go back into shape afterwards.

When KO was born, I noticed straight away that he had the roundest head I've ever seen on a baby. Like a bowling ball.

KO is happy and healthy, weighing in at over 9lbs now. As for me ... I'm feeling better every day but it's been a long road so far it seems!

a time of preparation

2008-03-18T12:45:00.002Z

Anytime now I might go into labour.

And as time continues roaring swiftly by, and only hours or days or weeks remain, I'm excited and happy and enjoying everything all at once, all of a sudden! All the wonder of life, new life, seems to be opening around me. And the various complaints my body has made, while growing the boy, grow less distracting.

All around the house there are small signs of readiness. Silky cloth nappies are stacked on the piano, to be put away soon. A moses basket at the foot of our bed, with soft pastel baby bedding. A nappy pail under the bathroom sink. The nursery bold, glowing in primary colours. Every room I enter I see ... there is the place baby will soon be sleeping, there he'll play, here we'll bathe him, change him, feed him, sing to him, bless him, comfort him ...

This morning I sat meditating, imagining the journey from now till baby's birth ... a quarter of hour, half an hour, an hour, sitting breathing relaxing. I think baby enjoyed it; he wriggled and squirmed, moved about the entire time. He hasn't got much room to move now. The soft walls of his room hold him fast and he can only shift himself with determined exertion.

Secure.

Warm.

Loved.

all the usual ...

2008-02-11T23:39:00.000Z

6 weeks till baby's ETA.

Not much to report on the baby front, except as to be expected I am still steadily increasing in volume and weight. A few small pregnancy complaints, but apparently they are all very common.

Work on the album is in full swing again -- only 4 or 5 tunes left to finish!

addressing procrastination

2008-02-01T23:49:00.000Z

For most of my life I've been a procrastinator. There's usually at least one important thing that I'm procrastinating about at any given time. These days, it's working on my album. Or it was, until yesterday. I think I may have turned the corner ...

So what happened? I had an encounter with someone who happens to be a life coach, and I asked her in passing if she had any tips on getting past procrastination ... and she did! Nothing crazy, but I think it was just the right thing ... at any rate, I've been back at work on my album since following her advice.

I signed off two more tracks today. Only 4 or 5 left to do final overdubs and edits on. (Out of 18.)

Ah ... thus help arrives in the eleventh hour ...

couch potato

2008-01-04T20:24:00.000Z

I am turning into the biggest couch potato ever. All I ever want to do these days is sit at home and watch movies and eat enormous amounts of food. And buy nappies.

I've got ridiculous amounts of cloth nappies and wraps. I think this is what's called 'nappy addiction'.

If I were the type that played video games (I'm not), or watched TV (again, not I), or read gossip mags (nope, not into that either), I would probably be doing those sorts of things all the time.

Instead I listen to Stevie Wonder, post/read threads on pregnancy forums (since yesterday when I discovered them), shop online, and eat. And watch movies and cry. And feel badly for not finishing my album.

I need a workplan.

nappies, ooh how exciting

2007-12-13T21:43:00.000Z

The thing I get most excited about these days is re-useable nappies! Tots Bots fluffles and Motherease air flow wraps, to be specific. As baby won't be here till March, likely, I don't even know yet if he'll like them or no ... but what's not to like? What baby wouldn't love a nice clean comfortable nappy?

It seems my interests have all changed. Hopefully it's temporary ... at the moment my favourite pastimes include:

Throwing/giving stuff away
Organising shelves and drawers
Thinking about nappies
Crying (more a pastime than a fave)
Eating
Baking
Eating what I've just baked
Not moving much
Contemplating kicking out the lodgers

sick sick sick

2007-12-09T20:15:00.000Z

Sick as a loon in a sycamore tree, full of cold. But I'm getting better every day, all the time, and hip-hooray how wonderful!?

Leeds is rife with theft, vandalism, fraud it seems these days. Next door had a back window smashed two weeks ago. Last week, two laptops disappeared from work. Last night, a housemate's car was broken into and the car radio stolen.

Home is full of peace and quiet. Except this morning while the housemate mused over his assaulted car, he said the F word with some force.

A minute later, I turned and said, "Sorry did you say something?"

He looked over, surprised, and said, "No ..."

I said, "Oh, I thought you said the F word."

Things went very quiet.

I said, "I know you're very good about not swearing around me, generally, so can you please make sure you don't say the F word around me? I know you don't mean it to be, but I find it aggressive, and I don't like it. ... And baby doesn't like it."

The housemate looked very uncomfortable. And I had an idea. I said,

"If you wouldn't say it around the Queen, then don't say it around me!"

And he chuckled.

He is an obliging housemate (and I'm not talking about James, though he's very obliging too). I don't think he'll be saying the F word around me anymore.

Hurrah!

leesun music photos

2007-11-22T01:16:00.000Z

Lloydy boy dropped off a DVD with a load of photos from the photo shoot last week. I've gone through and picked out about a dozen that I quite like. I've posted a bunch of them on the 'LeeSun music' facebook group. Here are a few of them.

taking time

2007-11-21T01:34:00.001Z

This spring I went for a walk with my godchild on the Isle of Skye. She was 3 at the time. Her parents went too. Within minutes of starting down the pleasant wooded trail, they were far ahead of us, out of sight.

My instinct was to try to catch up to them. But the darling godchild simply would not be chivvied along. Every leaf, twig, pebble, fascinated her. We came to a waterfall in the hillside which tumbled into a small pool. She stood gazing. And I gazed at her.

And I thought to myself, there is absolutely no reason why my inclination to keep walking should be given any more weight than the child's inclination to stop and gaze at the waterfall. Being bigger and stronger, I could easily have insisted we go on. But I thought, "Why?"

It was one of those moments of self-realisation. I realised that I believe in giving due consideration to what children decide or want, that their plans have as much potential for merit as the best laid adult plans, and I guess I've always believed that adults have as much to learn from children as children from adults.

I hope that after Ziggy is born, I won't simply assume that my plans and will are best where he's concerned. I hope I'll give him, and his will, thoughtful and sincere consideration, and times when I overrule him simply for my own convenience or selfishness I hope I'll be honest with him and let him know that that is the case.

Just because I'll be stronger, bigger, faster, smarter, richer, more skilled, and older than him, doesn't mean I'll be somehow 'better' than him. And I want him to know that. One doesn't gain status or value or worth or importance by growing up ... we all have those things already, right from birth, and that doesn't change.

Growing up doesn't mean 'becoming the boss'. In fact, it's the opposite. Growing up means growing in one's power to serve oneself and others. And as the super heroes are fond of saying, with power comes responsibility.

And that is the understanding of 'growing up' that I'd like to teach Ziggy.

boring creative

2007-11-21T01:32:00.000Z

Sometimes I feel like the most boring person in the world.

i guess i think about the baby a lot ...

2007-11-20T20:59:00.000Z

... like, every day. It's hard not to, when he's constantly kicking moving punching wriggling shifting.

I get out of breath, just going up a flight of stairs. Apparently that's quite normal. And I get tired.

Well, baby and I (and James) are going to go see the lovely Corinne play an acoustic set at The Wardrobe now.

Bye for now!

feeding the baby

2007-11-18T23:27:00.000Z

I was hungry at 11pm last night. Suddenly. Fiercely. So I ate.

Awoke at 4am. Hungry. Intensely. Ate.

Slept till 10am. Awoke hungry. Ate.

Got a Coory and Carry Freedom Sling off eBay. Really excited about it!

Hands-free carrying and feeding the baby? Sounds good to me ... I've been practising all day!

me and jfc at sela last month after the santiagos gig

2007-11-17T00:35:00.000Z

old plans realised

2007-11-11T16:05:00.000Z

A couple of years ago I began collecting wine corks. I thought one day when I had enough I'd make a cork board with them. Well, today was that day. JFC and I spent the afternoon cutting up corks with a hacksaw and arranging/gluing them onto white flooring.

I know that sounds like loads of fun. I bet you're wishing you could've been here to help. I wish that too. Because then it wouldn't have taken three hours to get two-thirds done!

One third to go ... tomorrow ...

just thought i'd mention ...

2007-11-10T23:50:00.001Z

... that's like 4 (or 5??!) blog posts in one day! how productive.

baby update

2007-11-10T23:43:00.000Z

In case you haven't heard, it's a boy! Had my 20 weeks scan on Tuesday. The baby is still looking normal (though really, with J and me as parents, has it really got a chance??!). It was kicking away steadily for the whole duration of the scan. (I really must get out of the habit of calling him an 'it'.)

Measurements are looking good and normal. A bit on the bigger side of average, which really surprises me because my bump is still rather tiny. Both of those facts please me. I'm glad he's growing well, and I'm glad he's discreet. 17 weeks to go!

album update - leesun music

2007-11-10T23:35:00.000Z

Well after a long unproductive bout of indecision, frustration and general uninspiredness, the album is once again rolling on. It's pretty exciting. It's all going on. Every day takes the album one step closer to completion.

Recording overdubs (an ongoing process) has been Interesting. Editing is Hard Work (and slow-going) but usually Fun (especially when a bit gets finished). And there are the Final Mixes to look forward to too of course! Wheeeeeee!

This week, I'm recording some cello and bass overdubs, and hopefully doing some bass edits. Promo photos on Tuesday. Flute and more bass next week. More edits. Will (possibly) post some ridiculously interesting promo photos on here when they're done.

JFC's remixes

2007-11-10T23:28:00.000Z

JFC is beside me, working on some dance music. It's noisy. And annoying. I don't mean right now. I mean the actual music, which thankfully I can't hear right now as he's working with headphones on.

Don't get me wrong. I love JFC's music, generally. The man is brilliant. He's just about finished a remix of a First Word Records tune to be released next year, and I think it's fantastic. Love it.

But I am quite passionately irritated by the song he's working on at the moment.

Each to their own, I guess.

finding lost things

2007-11-10T22:59:00.000Z

Today I found two lost things, which I'd written off as lost long ago. I found one thing this morning, and one thing just now. Isn't that funny? The really funny thing is that now I'm suddenly in a state of un-lostness. I haven't got any lost objects. I've found all my lost things, and all on the same day.

It's a strange feeling, having no lost things. Nothing to wonder the whereabouts of.

A couple of pics from last month's Corfu trip ... (as usual, click on a pic to zoom in)

Flying over the Alps on the way to Corfu.

Dan and James running around on the beach. They often did this to get away from wasps. I was pretty blasé about the wasps, but ended getting stung on the last day. Oh the irony.

The afflicted foot. Swollen beyond recognition, hot, stretched, dry, cracked, itchy and painful. I later learned that during pregnancy, topical antihistamines are just as advised against as ones you ingest. Oops. The doctor's advice: keep the foot elevated above my head, and use cold packs for pain relief.

in other news

2007-11-04T23:12:00.000Z

Sadly, the camera phone chewed up the last 20 pics taken on it, while transferring photos to the laptop, so no pic of the car with inferno within will be forthcoming.

In other news ...

Played a gig at The Verve Bar (just around the corner from Sela) a few days ago. I think it's the first time I've just sung and not said random things between songs. Lesson: that sort of gig doesn't work for me. I just don't feel like I'm connecting with people unless I do a bit of talking. Hence this blog, I guess.

Feeling connected/disconnected to others is largely up to my own feelings and imaginings, but often it determines my mood. Hence my general moody tendencies.

Maybe I should work on that.

burning bush

2007-10-28T01:02:00.001Z

Just got in from Liz and Ed's wedding.

As we wandered back from the Fav (where the reception was), we came upon a car with a fire going in the front seat. We knocked at the house it was parked by, and the guy called the fire brigade. (I'll post a pic of the car with the fire tomorrow.)

Then we walked about 50 metres from the car and watched the fire till the fire brigade arrived and put it out. We thought the car might explode, but the fire brigade was there within 5 minutes and put out the fire within minutes.

What efficient chaps.

This conversation did not happen

2007-10-22T01:19:00.000+01:00

I went to the Harrogate Turkish Baths today with Taz, Dan, and James. They've got a sign there saying pregnant women, children, and photography are prohibited in the baths. So I phoned them a couple of days ago to check that they would let me in, in my current condition. All good.

But when I mentioned today at the check-in desk that I had spoken to someone on the phone about having a session while pregnant, the lady on the desk got agitated and cut me off saying, "Okay! This conversation did not happen!"

High drama.

I thought for a minute that she might tell me meaningfully that she was going to leave the desk for 5 minutes and that the entrance to the baths would be left unsupervised, wink wink. But the drama was cut short by a friendly, matter-of-fact lady who came over, and assured the first lady that I was to be allowed in, and that all had been sorted.

The second bit of drama came when in the baths, I handed James the bag where I'd packed his swim shorts, and he looked inside to find they weren't there. Oops. I'd left them at home. But happily, the lovely HTB staff had a spare pair of swim shorts which they lent him. I noticed later on that the borrowed HTB shorts were the kind sported by all their staff. Nice.

The third bit of drama never happened. That's as dramatic as the day has been. Taz and Dan had never been to the baths before, and happily they both really liked the whole experience. Not everyone can be happy just sitting around for hours in really quiet, hot, tiled rooms. Relaxing is a skill, and it seems all the boys are good at it.

We were in the baths for 3 hours. I think the baby enjoyed it. Especially the plunge pool.

I would've been happy to chat the whole time, but the boys each spent a good deal of time in deep silence and solitude (of sorts -- solitude is limited when sitting in a room full of sweating, semi-clad people).

18 weeks pregnant

2007-10-19T17:42:00.000+01:00

This is a pregnancy update.

Saw the midwife this morning, and got all the results of my most recent set of tests. It seems I am super healthy.

My blood pressure is great, not high, not low.
I don't have any diseases or viruses.
My blood iron level is apparently remarkably high.
The baby is growing nicely, and has a strong heartbeat.
I feel really well, have not had any bleeds, and my blood samples have been protein-free.

Most recent cravings:

Mainly mayonnaise. Potato salad. Macaroni salad. Mayo and tomatoes on toast. Guacamole. Also, fresh ice cream milkshakes. Basically loads of fattening foods. Nice.

back from Corfu, Dan's still around

2007-10-18T22:06:00.001+01:00

So Dan's been with us for 3 weeks now. He arrived just in time for my masked birthday bash, and we all hopped on a flight to Corfu a few days later. Dan was as excited as any 19 year old would be, visiting the UK and a Greek island for the first time. Especially since the surroundings gave him plenty of opps for going around shirtless, which he is particularly fond of doing.

Dan brought his drumsticks and brushes with him from Canada, and hasn't stopped drumming on random surfaces ever since arriving.

Was pleasantly surprised by the water in St George's bay ... supposedly one of the cooler bays around the island, it was still warm enough to jump in without shivering.

We've been back for over a week now, and enjoying the ubiquitous charms of Leeds. But that's a story for later ...

back in 15 minutes

2007-09-30T17:02:00.000+01:00

actually, more like a week ... shall not be online for the next week or so ...

till then!

happy birthday to me!

2007-09-27T08:21:00.000+01:00

it's my birthday today! and this is the first birthday ever where i've been pregnant. the sproglet is due to be sprung at the end of march, or who knows, it may be early april! into week 15 now, and all is well :-)

announced it yesterday on facebook and was met with a flurry of excited felicitations. babies. so everywhere, and so special. kinda like God!

strange to think we're over a third of the way through the pregnancy already! i still would only half believe it, but yesterday we went for a scan, and they printed out a photo of it for us. cold hard proof.

found out about 4 weeks ago and it's been fantastic motivation for chucking stuff out, and getting rid of stuff! i figure i need to start making some space NOW while i've got the time and energy for it.

maybe i'll go throw some more stuff out now ...

instant noodles

2007-09-14T22:22:00.000+01:00

Walk into any Korean or Chinese supermarket and you'll find a large section devoted to instant noodles. Different brands, different flavours, different kinds, sold by the box as well as individually.

We're not talking like Mr Noodles, or pot noodles, or cup-o-soup, or any of the other snack noodle variety marketed by non-East-Asian counterparts. We're talking full-on meals, almost as good as mom's but ready from scratch in 5 minutes.

Strange, isn't it?

i think it was a spiritual thing ...

2007-09-10T20:52:00.000+01:00

... because all of a sudden it lifted, and my spirit felt free!

But enough of that, let's talk about food, that wonderful invention that fuels our bodies along with air and water.

These days I am crazy in love with fruit. Especially those bright yellow melons that are pale green on the inside.

Today on my way in to work, I dropped by the Morrisons in town just to pick up a melon. Surprising how dense they are ... they're much heavier than they appear. I chose a melon and as I moved away from the melon stand, I kid you not, the melon seemed to leap out of my hand and fell to the floor with a resounding thud. A man in a builder's outfit walked past me just at that moment, and chuckled loudly. Is it really that funny, seeing someone drop a melon??! Apparently.

Today I've had a kiwi, apple, orange, nectarine, raisins, banana, lime and raspberries (not all at once). Yesterday I had blueberries, half a melon, grapefruit, apple, cranberry juice and orange.

They're all so unique and uniquely delicious! Mmmmmm ... I think I'd like some more fruit now ... nice bedtime snack ...

it's what i do

2007-09-10T18:48:00.000+01:00

Perhaps my biggest motivator for songwriting and performing is the feeling of home I get from it. I write. I sing. That's how I connect with people. It's what I do.

That's not what I think about when I'm writing and singing. It's just something that occurred to me today, while recovering from yesterday's gig. It just gets me every time, that feeling of coming home, the feeling of things fitting and making sense and doing what I'm wired to do. Pure joy.

Yesterday I played a 30 minute set for Planet Leeds. What's that, you say? It's a brand new festival, launched just yesterday, celebrating (and I mean REALLY celebrating) the diversity and artistic giftings of Leeds. It entailed months and months of planning by a dedicated team of people committed to the vision, and resulted in one afternoon jam-packed with performances ... there was Zimbabwean dancing, break dancing, rapping, beat boxing, acoustic music, choirs ... all sorts. And all of this took place on a really lovely big stage set up on Briggate just outside Debenhams.

The spangly staging, sound and dynamic performances quickly gathered a crowd. It was a lovely and rare opportunity to share unknown arts and talents with an eager audience. At high points in the afternoon, apparently there were about 500 people watching and listening.

The vibe was fantastic. The performers enjoyed themselves, the audience clearly enjoyed themselves, the programme was engaging and varied. Toddlers, children, teens and students, mums and dads and the elderly ... there was space and interest for all.

And I got to be a part of all this. And it was fun. And great.

But today I'm tired and down. And in my current state, I'm questioning why I'm doing what I'm doing, and where it's all leading, and what's the point. I don't feel well. And I don't know if I want to do music anymore. I feel let down.

waking up thoughts

2007-09-08T11:06:00.000+01:00

This morning I lay awake in bed thinking of random things (as you do), one thought leading to another.

And I wondered, why is it that people so often are willing to do things if they're paid, that they'd be unwilling to do if they weren't? Do we live in a rewards-only culture, where money is the ultimate motivator? And is that natural? Or is it taught? And when does it start?

Don't get me wrong. I think it's great if people are paid for work they do, and paid well. But that should be an outworking of generosity and appreciation. In other words, employers and business partners should want to treat each other and their employees as generously as possible.

But too often, the whole pay system is approached from the exact opposite direction. Pay is seen not as a means of being generous and appreciative, but as a way of giving the bare minimum necessary payment to retain something that is useful to oneself or the company. It's all about self-profit, not treating others well. It's inward looking, not outward looking. It's about greed, not generosity.

It's what's at heart that is different. And that makes all the difference.

Two businesses, indentical in stats -- same sort of business, number of employees, rates of pay, policies, margins of profit can be complete opposites in job satisfaction if one is all about calculation and profit, and the other is all about people wanting to be generous to one another and their customers.

Ah, I hear the protests rising ... surely all businesses must be profits-minded to succeed? Or what if an individual is outward looking, and all for loving others etc, but can only find employment at a profits-orientated business (as they all seem to be)? Well, I disagree with the first -- I think it's an easy excuse to take what seems like an easy path (But what a lie it is! The excuse is not true, and the path is not easy!). And as for the second, I say, "Welcome to the world."

The world is full of broken, hurting people, living broken lives, often making the most self-destructive of choices. Of course any institution formed by people will be subject to the same propensities and liabilities.

I'm not a cynic. And I'm not naive. I don't write these sorts of things thinking everything is terrible terrible terrible. Nor do I think that suddenly some group of magical people who wield the power to change entire institutions instantly will read this and go, "Oh that's true," snap their fingers and change greedy self-serving hearts into generous serving hearts. (If indeed such magical people exist, it must be all of us, with the power to examine our own hearts, and only our own.)

I guess I write hoping some glimmer of truth will touch some person's life for the better ... even if it's only mine! It is the little shifts in individual hearts that change the world.

why should i ...

2007-08-28T20:40:00.001+01:00

My hands are worn, they look a hundred years old. They've served me well so far. Long may they function!

My right elbow is throbbing ... probably from playing tennis with terrible technique.

My self is tired ... and sad for all the misunderstanding in the world ... and the darkness in our hearts.

Peace.

he gets you so much stuff

2007-08-20T22:00:00.000+01:00

While we were in Calgary, James really impressed Dan with his husbanding skills. Dan went out of his way to tell me,

"James is *SO* GOOD to you."

There was a world of emphasis packed into that utterance. I was surprised. I must've looked puzzled, and Dan elaborated,

"He gets you **SO** **MUCH** **STUFF**!"

And that completely floored me, because as darling as my other half is, he's never been much of one for buying me things. He's not really the sort who lavishes gifts to communicate love. I'm not too bothered about that, as I'm quite good at lavishing gifts on myself. I figure, it all comes out of the same account anyway, so I don't really need James to be buying me stuff all the time.

I think I was frowning pretty hard by this point, so Dan tried again.

"Yeah, like he gets you DRINKS, he gets you FOOD, ...."

And suddenly it all came clear, what Dan was trying to say. James is incredibly solicitous. If I voice a desire for anything at all, chances are that he'll drop whatever he's doing and find a way to get me what I want. If I'm thirsty, James will get me a drink. If I suddenly have a hankering for a cheese toasty with thinly sliced tomatoes and hot banana peppers on top, James will make me one. If a craving for ice cold ginger beer comes upon me, James will find a nearby shop that sells ginger beer and deliver it to me in a tall cool glass. And if he can't get me what I want, he'll look so utterly sorrowful about it, that I'll feel as though he's got it for me anyway.

And this is what so amazed Dan.

Actually, it amazes me too.

Not that James is perfect. Nobody is. But he's got an amazing heart that pulses and quivers, yearns and is eager, feels intensely, and is just about infallibly unwavering towards me.

I think it was this unwavering quality that really struck me when I first met James. What he said then seemed stamped with the promise of forever. And I know now as I knew then, that no matter what happens, James will always, always, love me.

a pic from inside an installation at ysp, taken 24 june 2007

2007-08-19T18:55:00.000+01:00

we change, we stay the same

2007-08-06T23:56:00.000+01:00

Through Facebook, I've recently got in touch with childhood friends and other people I haven't seen or heard from in ages, and realised this: sure, people change over the years, but there is so much that stays constant in us, even from childhood, probably even from infancy.

My friends from when I was 10, for instance ... they've still got the same tendencies to be more chilled out or more stressed, to laugh or to mope, to mock or to encourage ... it's pretty amazing. Where does that leave me? Am I the same as when I was 10? Who was I when I was 10?

A bit lonely, struggling for personal expression and identity, resentful of authority figures, quick to laugh, generally quiet, often subdued, quick to see and seize opportunities, always happy to perform but on my own terms, and with an inclination to escapism whether through books or dreaming. Always pragmatic, linking action with consequence, and ever rebellious, responding poorly to demands or any exercise that seemed pointless.

I am still all of those things. Okay, maybe not the quiet or subdued bit, anymore. That was just from fear of punishment, which thankfully, is no longer relevant in my life.

But the rest of it still applies. Isn't it funny, being human?